Smoking, what a fucking nightmare. My first smoke was around eleven years old. It was made of tea, typing paper and honey and was a hand roll. It resulted in choking and fire. I could hardly wait to start actually smoking.

My US family smoked and, by the time I was fifteen, I had my own brand, bought in cartons, stored in the “cigarette drawer” in the kitchen. A real coming of age story, a mitzvah of sorts.

Cut to twenty years later and I’m still smoking. It’s enough to make you mental. You smoke, knowing it’s unhealthy and gross, but you gotta do it, you’re addicted. So you smoke, but you persecute yourself for good measure. You can get your meds, but by God- you will make yourself aware of what a spineless disgusting creature you are.

I’ve wrestled this monster before, a few times. Once I even got eight whole months. Then, on a page turning day, I mixed a Campari and Soda and said to myself, “What would make this perfect?” A year and a half later I’m still smoking, loving and hating each puff.

Miraculously, I was sent a Fairy Smoke Father, who found me on Facebook. Normally I eschew a facebook comer, but this dude is hilarious. I noticed in the feed that he was quitting smoking, so I asked my new pen pal for advice.

Now, I have read the book, “The Easy Way” SIX TIMES, and my Fairy Smoke Father stomped it with one line, “Quit on Monday.” Holy shit was FSF right! What a genius! Monday, who knew. You can do ANYTHING, just set it off on a Monday.

My FSF checked in daily, provided motivational words and videos, like Pantera’s “Fuckin Hostile”  to buoy my moods. I use the plural because by day three of withdrawal I began to splinter into fragments.

My anger escalated, peaking at day three and then I stayed furious through day eight. Living like I had jet-lag, I’d suffer through the day and by 9:30PM, ready to give up, I’d say “Fuck this”, and go to bed. Sleeping in two hour shifts, by 7AM I’d say “Fuck this”, and get up to face another day.

One morning I woke up with an actual hit-list. Murderess, me, who knew? Anyway, bearing in mind all the pent up rage, I advise that one only communicates by text or e-mail for the first week. I know I would have way less friends this week if I’d actually spoken to anyone the first week.

Here’s my advise to quit smoking.

Quit on Monday. The best advise I’ve ever gotten.

Read the Allen Carr book a few times, it can’t hurt.

Reduce caffeine intake to one cup per day.

Go to Whole Foods for: Lobelia, an herbal remedy to wean off tobacco cravings. Smoke Free Spray, made of lobelia and other herbs plus it tastes foul, which makes you not want smoke, and it promotes health lung function. Schizandra Fruit Pills are to calm your central nervous system, think of it as nature’s valium. Breath Easy Tea, to promote healthy lung function with milk thistle and licorice root. Mint Tea, as mint has a make-up similar to that of nicotine, so you can confuse your body into thinking it’s getting what it needs as you cleanse.

You gotta juice. I love carrot, orange, and ginger, but there is no such thing as a bad juice.

Get off your ass. You are gonna have to walk, hike, run, do burpees, crunches, push-ups, yoga, ride a bike, whatever. It doesn’t matter what you do, just move something. You can speed up the withdrawals if you sweat out the toxins and pump oxygentated, fresh, blood through your body.

Drink water all the time. To mix it up, try hot water with lemon, very cleansing.

Get to a steam room. If you’re in NY head to the Russian Baths. If you’re in LA head to the Korean Spa. Pound water and steam as long as you can. Again, the idea is to replace your dirty, smokey blood, with virgin clean blood. Be serious about water intake while you steam, as a dehydration headache, mixed with withdrawal anger could be  a lethal combo.

Meditate if you can, if not you’ll be inadvertently meditating on your long ass walks, bike rides or your yoga class.

Get a mantra, mine was given to me by a friend who quit smoking, and I have found it very useful. It’s “Die Troll DIE!”  and I find it highly motivating.

Final words, the only way to quit smoking cigarettes is to NOT SMOKE CIGARETTES. You can do it. I’m on day twelve and I’m mildly irritated, but am so stoked to be on day twelve, that I can’t wait for tomorrow. As smokers, most of us spend a lot of time shitting on ourselves for being weak. It feels good to make tobacco your troll and then murder it.

DIE TROLL DIE!

Good Luck!!!