Be Your Own Monkey: Notes on Grooming

At the fancy facial I got told that the majority of the products in my well stocked cupboard are too stringent or too strong for my face. As a hoarder, and a big fan of beauty products, I was slow to relinquish my home drug store. I worked hard to amass clinical grade acids and snake venom. Then I had an epiphany, I have a whole body worth of skin. I can literally, “give my ass a face mask”. I’m currently running an intense glycolic acid program on my elbows, which besides the dimples, now resemble a newborns’.

I remember on my first, and only for that matter, trip to Lake Havasu, I saw a half baked MILF with the boobs of a twenty year old, and the kneecaps of a sixty year old. It was so offensive. I’m gonna say either both or none. The juxtaposition of young boobs and old knees has been stuck with me ever since. That being said I have no qualms about spending time applying lotions, I might even wrap myself in saran wrap for maximum absorbtion.

Broke, Not Broken:

In my continuing saga of living the high life on fumes, here’s a few more pearls of wisdom on coping with reduced funds. Being cash poor can’t stop you from living.

Like I said above, lube up, you might be poor, but you can be moist. And while you’re at it, make sure you smell good. You can accomplish both with a tub of coconut oil.

Be the life of the party, nobody’s buying a drink for some glum motherfucker.

Write shit down, printer cartridges are mad pricey.

Polish all random chains and jewels. I recently struck gold in my craft box. I’m not gonna sell my new chain, it makes me feel fancy, like the universe backs my high falutin aspirations. Feeling good is worth more than money anyway.

Eat less meat. I know it’s delicious, but it’s also costly.

Die your old clothes black. You probably need a new wardrobe and nothing says diabolical and ready to rock like all black. Vampires, goths, and fashionistas worldwide will embrace you.

JO all the time, it’s free and the best use of your time. It’ll calm you down to actually accomplish something. Might even clear up your face.

Get rid of cable and get Netflix and a Roku or Apple TV. If you’re anything like me and prefer the ’90’s, you can go back, all your ’90’s TV shows are waiting to be re-watched, that, plus every episode of every variety of “Law and Order” should keep you occupied. I’ll be posting my favorite Netflix jams next week, so check back for recommendations.

Finally, do not cut back on booze, continue to buy good wine to tolerate the list above.