I know, I know, somebody starts a sentence with “I had this dream last night…” and we automatically tune out, but I had this frickin’ dream last night. My friend and I had just moved into a creepy old Victorian house that was on a desolate lot that reminded me of the place where Gary Oldman talks to those little kids in “Sid and Nancy”.

So we got this Victorian manor in the middle of nowhere. Of course, even in dreams I was concerned about cleaning, a control freak is still a control freak even in dreams. So I’m asking my pal if we should keep the Comet and rubber gloves in this tiny drawer in the kitchen. She can’t hear me so I have to walk out back to our pool, which is covered in a foot of sand. Just like how snow falls in a uniform pattern with an equal depth, that’s how the yard and the pool were, covered in a foot of weightless sand.

At the bottom of the pool was a turtle spider, which is a turtle shell with a spider inside. It had a sepia toned shell which measured about a foot across, with its spider legs extended the thing was at least three feet across. I ran my foot along the edge of the pool, releasing a big portion of foamy sand, and the turtle spider scuttled away and retreated into its shell. I asked why the turtle spider was there, and my pal explained that the previous tenant, her ex-boyfriend, had gotten the turtle spider when he was small, but abandoned him because he got too big. By the end of the dream she had smashed it with the back of an end table, while I was in the kitchen trying to put away cleaning supplies in drawers that were like flat files, totally unsuitable for storing anything other than flat art.

I woke up feeling a lot of empathy for the turtle spider. In the meditation group I’ve been sitting with, they discuss Buddhist principles, one of which is not harming any living thing. If you’ve read any of this blog you know I LOVE turtles and HATE spiders. What to do with a turtle spider? I milled it around in my head. I’ve been working a lot on forgiveness recently and realizing that everyone who I perceive as having wronged me,  parents, friends, the dude who beat me up, and a slew of others, were working with what they had and they were doing their best. I’ve blown it with a bunch of stuff in my own life, but I never set out to blow it, I just didn’t know how to do it, or I had tools that were ill equip for what came at me.  I realized basically, we’re all turtle spiders. Parts of us are dumb cute and parts of us not so much, but we are just born, not born with a to-do list, not born with an automatic skill set for survival, just born to die eventually.

Ever since I quit smoking weed my dreams have been super vivid. Also, my mind is so bugged out, literally and figuratively, that I can’t even tell that I’m not high. The only way I know is that I have an abundance of feelings and the way I relate to my mind is very active, as opposed to rolling another joint I get really investigative about what’s happening upstairs. So yeah, I’m batshit crazy, loving it, and through the turtle spider I am developing compassion.

In other news, dreams have been coming true. I’ve had five articles published in the last month. After two years of listing “unknown” as my occupation, I am close to be able to say, without laughing, that I am a writer.

Here are the articles:

Women’s Street X-Games Preview for ESPN.

Aaron Rose’s Fire Sale @ Known Gallery for ESPN.

Write up on DQM’s Summer Video Series for ESPN.

Neckface “Simply The Worst” at New Image Art Gallery for ESPN.

Neckface “Simply The Worst” for Juxtapoz.

I am so grateful to my friends who are helping me get published, contributing to the stories, and ultimately everyone who reads ’em. After writing this blog, mostly for myself and to hone my craft, for a loyal audience of ten, who include my dad and my best friend’s mom, it is gratifying and humbling to see my words have a reach outside of my blog.

The other dream that came true is a continuation of a dream that was recognized a year ago when my friend asked me to contribute some words to his directorial debut. I got a chance to see the movie about eight months ago in a  screening room at Dreamworks, but now the movie is out now, playing in theaters around the world.

So for all the days and nights of fear, being terrified that I am blowing it by not accepting jobs that I am qualified to do, but am afraid to do any longer. Getting to points of financial insecurity so intense that I was afraid to buy groceries. Getting so frickin’ terrified that I got sober and started cruising down a spiritual path I’d avoided for a couple of decades… At the end of the day, even though I want it to happen faster, so I can breathe a sigh of relief, the changes are coming and the future is indeed now.

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