I’m not gonna start off the New Year with some resolutions or some crap like that, what I’m on is some bonafide will work for sure shit.

Before the New Year I hit up my Korean and demanded she tell me all of her mother’s advice for a prosperous New Year. All of her wisdom has thus far paid off, so I am adopting her mom’s advice. After all, her mom sent us to the Korean spa for a scrub, gives my friend amazingly harsh dating advice that I relish and she recently gave the Korean a tub of fiber to give to me, she wants me to be regular- obvi I should seek out her advice.

I am no half-stepper, so once a decision has been made I am on point. She told me her mom would suggest that I clean my house and purge all of the stuff that I no longer used  (I might be like an eighth Korean, because it already seemed so “me”). Then I needed to get new sheets, new bras, new underwear, and new socks- no problem because my BFF gave me spending money for Christmas for just such things. Once I had the new new, I was able to discard the old. My Korean advisor suggested that I get some fresh cut flowers to welcome the new.


In addition, on New Years day I had orders to do laundry and to spend the day with friends and to eat really well. Check, hang with friends and eat, again, no problemo. All this newness and purging of uselessness is intended to bring prosperity.

I went big, filling multiple carloads to donate to the Goodwill. I even gave away Black Metal Christmas to a suitably metal family. I surprised myself and started giving away Tormentous’s stuff. As a bonafide hoarder, I had boxes of ceramics that were waiting for their Tormentous paint job, and I didn’t even go through ’em, I just donated it all. I also donated sewing projects that have had pins in them for more than two years, basically I dumped all the shit that I hide in my “project closets”- all the shit that makes me feel bad for not being completed. Good riddance. Bring on the abundance.

So once I had the Korean rituals on lock, I determined one can never have enough prosperity, so I set about researching feng shui, and I even got my Korean homegirl in on it. After making maps of my zones via a feng shui map I googled, I put coin in my wealth corner, paired items in my corner du amor, cleaned out my knowledge area, which ironically was the area by my front door where I stage incoming and outgoing nonsense, the zone that’s most prone to maddening traffic jams. Feng shui rules commanded that I remove all the plants from my bedroom, which resulted in the living room becoming a greenhouse.

Then, being eager to get even more good fortune, I headed to the wizard store, picked up some rocks, blessing candles, weird smelly chips of wood to and sage to burn, and some straight up voodoo items. I cooked garlic, burned stuff, rang bells, lit candles, cleaned, feng shuied, did copious amounts of laundry and swiffered the fuck out of my house.

It’s now the 13th and the luck is en route, I can totally feel it and when it get’s here at least I’ll be in a new bra and panties even if my house smells like a campfire.